fool4christ

...half way across the world later...

2007-01-11T23:21:00.000Z

welcome to South Africa!
Originally uploaded by muh.

oh my what. it's been such a long time since i last up-dated my blog. well, i guess nothing has happened in my life, except that i'm still busy training to be a nurse and i still have the best friends in the world to spend time with when i'm not nursing :)

well - Christmas i spent in South Africa, and that definatley was different (but still Christmas, which is the good thing). i put more photos on flickr, so if you click on the picture you will find more... and if that doesn't put you off i can show you even more because i took lots of photos (as Christine can tell you!). just ask :)

well, but i didn't spend all my time taking pictures. i got to spend some time with Matt too :)
We also went for a few drives (some longer than others), went up for a flight (it was Matt's first flight for over a year and it was a windy day too, so he did really well), went for a hike, saw penguins and zebras and spent time with his family and friends.

even though we did do quite a lot we didn't even manage to do all we wanted to. but we will go back there and catch up with those bits.
overall i had a really good time (and apparently good is not even the word to be used, so think of something better!!!) and overall it was probably my most relaxed Christmas i can remember.

i did get some time to spent with Jesus too, but somehow any time i use is never enough. GOD wants my life, not just a few moments i can spare. so this year ahead i've got some work to do on that and i am so glad that this journey never ends and that i have so many friends to travel the way with me. thank you!

2006-08-03T13:38:00.000+01:00

"Yes, all the things I once thought were so important are gone from my life. Compared to the high privilege of knowing Christ Jesus as my Master, firsthand, everything I once thought I had going for me is insignificant—dog dung. I've dumped it all in the trash so that I could embrace Christ and be embraced by him."

Philippians 3:8 - the message

i wish i could say that with all my heart and not feel bad saying it.

how easy is it to just say the words and not live the life that goes with it...

i am grateful that my Saviour is more patient than i am.

He's got a lot of cleaning up to do in me - a life-time job i guess.

but He just doesn't give up.

i wish i had His endurance...

busy or lazy...

2006-06-01T13:48:00.000+01:00

ja - i know i didn't write for a while. and to be honest i can't decide whether that is because i'm too busy (pretending to be busy) or whether i'm just plain lazy... or maybe because i'm enjoying life too much to go to uni if i don't have to in order to find a computer from where i can get on the internet...
well - it doesn't really matter i say.

all i know is i've got an assignment to do till tomorrow... and then another one till tuesday (before i go to germany once again on wednesday - in time for the world cup, hehe)... and then another one when i come back the tuesday after.

well - i better get going then... (she says, thinking about what to eat when i get home... and how long i should sleep for so i get up in time for CU... )

"It says: 'Do not put the Lord your God to the test." Luke 4:12
i really need to go...

toothbrushes, my bike & GOD

2006-05-08T16:26:00.000+01:00

hm - interesting weekend this has been (bad English this is as well...).

friday night after choir practice (which is now at the house of a Filipino family) i was welcomed to stay there over night. i wasn't gonna stay over in the first place, but since they insisted (for my own safety on cycling back at night) i could not refuse their offered hospitality.
i ended up receiving my own toothbrush (my third one in use at the same time... at three different places. i'm starting to count my blessings on the amount of tootbrushes in use, hehe) and even clean underwear! they are an awesome family. i got to play with their daughter in the morning (Ringo the flamingo jicksaw!) & left the house after a good breakfast.
i love the ways GOD is looking after me...

...and my bike.
this morning i had lectures at hospital. i got there 15 mins early (quite impressive, ey?) only to realize i left the keys to lock up my bike at home. so i decided to just leave it there... with a prayer in my heart. and hey - when i got back five hours later it was still there :)
praise the LORD!
i truly believe He has a mission for me and my bike :) (it carried me over 6000km in the past year!) and once that one is done it will either get stolen (i honestly pray for the thief's safety since the breaks are close to not working at all...) or it will just collapse somewhere (only 7 of 21 gears are left working, the back breaks aren't working at all, the front ones screech like crazy, and the whole thing is pretty wobbely, i drove without light for the past 6 months... but don't tell anyone).

oh yes, GOD is looking after me indeed, and i'm proud to be HIS child, even though i'm sometimes quite a naughty one...
i wish i could give more of what HE gave to me. but i'm sure the day will come :)

babies

2006-04-21T16:40:00.000+01:00

sister, niece & nephew :)
Originally uploaded by muh.

that's what happens back home while one is away :)
they're so cute, my sister, niece & nephew (Salome, Naemi & Lennox).
i'll hopefully get to meet them in person soon.

at last...

2006-04-12T13:49:00.000+01:00

Matt & spitfire
Originally uploaded by muh.

there we go - a pic at last. ok not the best one... but hey - check out the plane! ;)

...what they are getting at :)

2006-04-05T15:49:00.000+01:00

shame i always forget the CD with the pictures on it so whenever i get to uni (i.e. internet) i realize i can't upload a picture...
well - you'll just have to wait then. Chris said i should just put the pic on & then everyone'll know, hehe.

na - i can't be that cruel. and in fact - i really do want to share the news :)
there's just no real words to say it. cos all the words people tend to use for cases like that are so unreal & rotten (my vocabulary reflects reading too much Narnia at the moment, so please excuse...)
the news is about a boy, well - man really, called Matt who came all the way from South Africa to start a job in Luton. he ended up finding shelther in our house (thanks to Nick the vic's arrangements) and since then we became best friends. the story continues...

update update! time to update!

2006-04-04T13:43:00.000+01:00

yes people - you are right! i do need to update my blog. lots has happened and i do have new & exciting news ;)

i might finally be able to start my job as HCA! woo-hoo! how exciting is that :)
i applied for the post last August, had my interview for it in decemeber & now get to start in April (so i hope) - only one more paper to fill in, which i'll go and do now.

more updates to follow :)

the longest journey...head to heart

2006-03-09T14:33:00.000Z

Having a hard time
To find the way
From my head to my heart

I know you’ve loved me
Since I was born
Know you’ve planned me
Even before
But how can I be sure

Having a hard time
To find the way
From my head to my heart

I know much about you
Know it’s all true
Can see your wonders
All around me
But how can I be sure

Having a hard time
To find the way
From my head to my heart

Bring me back LORD
To your heart of love
Show me it’s real
Whatever they say
Draw me closer to your heart

Take away my doubts and unbelief
Make me pure and real
Teach me your ways
And guide me, oh LORD

my world...

2006-02-22T15:24:00.000Z

hm - maybe i should stop leaving too many comments on my own blog...seems a bit sad really

to tell you about my life - lot of things happened (i don't think they'll ever stop happening as long as i leave my house every day...which usually is a good thing).
for one - i managed for the first time in my uni life to hand in an assignment before the day it's due in (well, it still sits next to me at the moment... but not much longer now). this is only because i'm going home for the weekend from tomorrow and it has to be in by friday...and i was too lazy to ask for an extension, hehe :)

another one - my role as CU secretary is gonna come to an end soon too...bit of mixed emotions there i guess, but overall it's good. i'll be able to focus more on my nursing life (that's the plan, anyway).

oh - and about elective placement...i'd rather not talk about it. i was so looking forward to go out in the big wide world...but my lecturer said it's too dangerous to go to Central Asia...or the Philippines...or Latin America...or most of Eastern Europe...or Russia...or China...or some parts of Africa... and the States? - well, apparently it takes too long to arrange anything there, so she told me to better not go there either...
so much for "in your elective placement you can go anywhere in the world..." well - if you see England as your world maybe there's some truth in that...

but i haven't given up on the world. once i'm qualified nothing can hold me back... unless GOD has other plans that is. i'm curiuos :)

well - now i'm off to tiny little germany for a few days :)
and i'll see my tiny little baby sister & baby niece - woo-hoo! hope they're not too scared of me...

2006-02-02T14:15:00.000Z

ok. so i have been tagged... and since i have an assignment to write i'll obviously do this one first, hehe :)
(oh - and Neil, i only realized last week that i've still something outstanding from your blog as well... sorry - i'll do it eventually, try it anyway...)

Four jobs I have had in my life:

well - i'm a student now (does that count?)
i've been a chaplaincy warden
before that a chaplaincy assistant warden (hehe)
oh - and i've worked in a coffee shop

Four movies I could watch over and over again:

eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
lion king
ice age
bruce almighty (i usually only watch movies with someone else though - so i'll get a 2nd opinion to make it easier...or not)

Four places I have lived:

Luton
Tunbridge Wells
Luton
Hilmersdorf

Four TV shows I love to watch:

oh - i better leave that one out cos i haven't got tv
but then...
...friends &...
...Simpsons is what i used to watch where i last lived (because that's what them people there watched & i kinda liked it too after that...)

Four places I have been on vacation:

isle of Pag (Croatia)
Hansedal (Norway)
some place in Austria
Masuren (Poland)
- hey, i'm central european after all. those might give it away. but they were all lovely places to go & i'd go again

Four websites I visit daily (or weekly):

hotmail/web.de
google (hehe)
nursingtimes...?
philippine Bible society

Four of my favourite foods:

why only four...???!!!

Chinese
Indian
Ghanaian (if that's how you write it)
Filipino
...

Four singers I can't live without:

hm... is Jesus a singer...?
anyone who sings around/with me :)

Four places I'd rather be:

that's another hard one...

Asia
Africa
America
heaven

but that'd would mean that i'm not happy where i am now. but I AM!!! for now anyway :)

Four bloggers I am tagging:

sorry, i'm not a big fan of tagging so if you want to let others know on your blog - just do it :)

scrubs & hospitality

2006-01-30T16:10:00.000Z

it is amazing to experience hospitality given to you - especially when you see the love of our LORD Jesus shining through that person & see that this is the motivation for doing what they do!

"Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms." 1 Peter 4:8-10

i went to a friends house friday night for a choir practice. it was 10pm before we started with any singing... so it was quite late when we finished - after 11:15pm. it was a cold cold night, oh yes (it was snowing when i went up there). and i cycled to her house. so they persuaded me to stay there over night & go back in the morning after a good night's sleep (and a cooked dinner & lovely breakfast as i was to discover!)
and hey - guess what i got to wear as pyjamas... theatre scrubs! woo-hoo :)
i love scrubs. whenever i was lucky enough to accompany a patient down to theatres & got to wear them scrubs i always felt really sad taking them off again afterwards... so here i was - going to sleep in them, hehe.
it was also an amazing example of seeing GOD's love lived out in practice - giving shelter to strangers etc. Jesus is amazing!
i hope i'll learn from that...

what now?

2006-01-24T15:47:00.000Z

what do you do
when your dreams fall apart?
where do you turn
when your hopes don't come true?
where do you go
when all doors are locked?

i come
running to you -
giver of hopes and dreams
door to life

take me
brake me
shake me
shape me
restore me

have your way in me

the answer is...

2006-01-23T13:04:00.000Z

hm - Jochebed sounds not bad, ey? maybe next time...
Jana - sorry. my oldest sister is called Damaris already. my dad must have known it's a nice name, hehe :)
i've got a cousin called Lydia as well (but you didn't know that...).
and Chris - i'll pass your suggestions on to my sisters - they're due next. maybe they'll like some of them, too :)

now Franzi - how did you know? who told you, ey?!

yep - it's Salome! woohoo! i'm so happy it all went well. GOD has protected them amazingly.

my little brother Jakob is off for a week's holiday at my sister's since there's no-one at home except my dad... so he can go to work and travel from hospital to hospital through all the snow.
my other bro had his operation finally last friday. he's got 4 screws in his back to give support to the vertebra... and a lot of pain. thank you for all your prayers & support!

GOD bless you!

going places

2006-01-20T15:52:00.000Z

central asia
Originally uploaded by muh.

i've had some progress on going Central Asia as well. there seem to be quite a lot of possibilities and i'm getting very excited.
may GOD's will be done.
thanks for your prayers!

oh - and for those who know about my brother: he seems to get better. he didn't need the operation (yet). they just want to observe & do another x-ray so he was allowed to get out of bed & walk about a bit (which of course is very painful with a fractured vertebra...). thanks for your support.

and finally: today should be the day when i am no longer the youngest girl in our family! my stepmum is due to have had a cesarian today... so i need to find out about that as well :)
you can join me in the name game till i find out - it's supposed to be a biblical name with three syllables (female, obviously). that's all my dad told me... so - give me your suggestions till i find out more. all i know is that it's not Miriam...

our GOD is B.I.G.

2006-01-20T15:28:00.000Z

oh yes!
i woke up this morning just after 8 (sometimes it's quite nice having lectures because you can almost have lie ins, hehe). i looked out my window and it was pouring down with rain... didn't really want to get up & cycle up to the hospital in that kind of weather... so i prayed for it to get better.
an hour later the sky was blue with no clouds anywhere!!!
GOD is amazing and takes care of us so well.
woohoo!
i feel like singing in the rain, hehe :)
but i need to do more cycling tonight so i better don't ask for it...

snow, skiing, cold, beauty...

2006-01-06T17:00:00.000Z

Schubertlichtung
Originally uploaded by muh.

time to let u know i'm back :)

i had a good time & met lots of family & friends while i was there.

i took the pic when i went skiing with my dad. it was really nice & we saw lots of pretty trees & hares jumping through the snow... well the hares were jumping, not the trees.

Chris - do u remember the blue trousers u wore when we went skiing, which teared & fell half apart? i wore them when we went out there thinking it won't b too bad... i forgot how large the hole was between the legs... & then the other strip broke as well, so i had to hold my trousers up as well as trying to move forwards. very funny that was :)

hey - i got a digi cam for Christmas so now there might be a few mor pics on here :)
at least for a while before the fun wears off... don't want to promise too much though.

in the week i am back i also finished placement on the ward. it will be sad to not go to hospital for a while to work on the wards - i'm so loving it!
but on the other hand i'll (hopefully) have some more time to socialice with my good "old" friends who had to step back a little (i'm so sorry!)

but before i leave my ward behind there's one more interesing thing to say. we had 2 men in a bay opposite to each other (one of them was fluent in German & very chatty in that, hehe...). after a while we found out that they went to school together all those 75 years ago! now that's what i call amazing!
i wonder whom i'll meet in 50 years time that i haven't seen for along time.

Holiday…

2005-12-20T22:34:00.000Z

Got hear all right – after the plane was 2 hours late & the bus driver brought us save to the airport in the first place… he didn’t get the right way once, but hey – that’s another story… he got us there well in time :)

Well – if u thought i went for a holiday I’ll let u think again…
This morning my little brother woke me up at 6:30 – which is 5:30 Luton time (the time I get up for an early shift…!!). well – only 11 more mornings to go before I get up for the real morning shift :)

The mums & todds group in our village are running an alive advent calendar. Basically they meet every night at someone else’s house (or garage), open the door of an advent calendar, sing a song or two, listen to a story & eat biscuits & have tea. It’s a great idea… I got to read the story today already & had to lead the time together too. Hehe – but it was fun.
Last night they sang traditional carols – in the local dialect. Made me laugh – haha.

There’s lots of snow indeed too. It started melting a bit this afternoon – but now it went back to snowing lots. There’s probably a foot of it, at least. First it was strange feeling & seeing it again…it was cold too (how strange…) – but at night time it looks lovely to see all them little flakes dancing in the street lights.
I hope to go out skiing some point on my own… a bit like going for a walk (isn’t it just like it, Chris…?).

I miss speaking English already and it’s only my first day… some people say I have an English accent when speaking german while others say, “isn’t it weird that you haven’t got the slightest English accent when you speak german…” oh well – can’t really say who’s right, can i.

Anyway – you’ll hear (well – read really) from me. Have a good time.

what it means to share the sorrow patients go through...

2005-12-12T15:39:00.000Z

just finished placement in the x-ray department. i was there for a week & have to say i really learned a lot. it was different from the wards, but still good :)

on friday i met a patient who was waiting for her appointment for a barium meal. basically - you have to swallow some yucky stuff and then it's traced by the x-rays on it's way round the body... it can take quite a while. it did for her.
she felt a bit weak because all she "ate" for the past week was water - she was allowed 30ml an hour (NG tube) - and now she had to swallow all of a sudden 3 cups of barium... that's what i call tough!
it took her quite a while & me and another student were waiting with her & encouraging her. she did have a good sense of humour, which helped a lot.

i said to the other student that people who do those examinations should suffer with the patient & drink the same stuff... kind of like a drinking party.

just a few minutes later the radiographer started feeling for the lady as well & i suggested we should all drink together :)
... so we did :) 5 of us in the room sharing in the barium :)
and really - it is not the nicest thing to drink on an empty stomach... especially when there are three cups to go... we only had a sip. i'm proud of my lady :) she did well!

to be real

2005-11-28T12:42:00.000Z

LORD, i don't want to sing because it's nice & sounds goood...
i wan to give You the honour & praise that You alone deserve...
but how can i give that to You, my creator?
i've been wrong so many times.
i thought i have learned from mistakes i made in the past -
just to wake up and realize i still make the same mistakes.
and then there's that questions again that You throw at me:
how can i uphold my pretend holiness?
i can't, i know - and i don't want to.
i want to be real, want to be weak so You can be my strength, Jesus.

been there before
sang that song already
it doesn't mean a thing
if my heart's not there

i am broken
need to fall down on my knees again
need to come back to You
to the foot of the cross

You search our hearts LORD
and know how we come
before Your we are empty
please fill us again

will-power

2005-11-17T11:02:00.000Z

isn't it strange how hormones can rule our body, even our moods?
one might think we are entirely made up of hormones... having low seretonine levels means we are in a low mood... well - does it?
i'm not denying that GOD made hormones - of course He did. but He also gave us a free will & will-power for that will.
so yea - maybe one day we are in a low mood. i feel tired. but still - GOD is good & there is reasons to be joyful in life. so even though i might have low seretonine - i don't wanna give into that. i want to look up to my LORD & rejoyce :-)

now there's a challenge for everyone (including me!) ... :-)
who is stronger - hormone levels or will-power... or GOD?

to be a nurse...

2005-10-20T16:26:00.000+01:00

ooohps - it has been a while since i last wrote something here.
being on placement makes time fly - it's good & i love it, but sometimes it can be quite scary...

firstly there are all the things you do on the ward, which you find impact your life quite a bit & distinguish you from others...
for example this week in iceland i stood at the cashier's desk waiting to get the change back and before i realized i started to count his respirations... oh well... i better don't interpret that. at least he was still alive & they where pretty normal :-) (and yes - i have been on mental health placement for 5 weeks, too).

secondly it gets quite scary that time goes by that quick - & i still need to reflect over the whole past 13 months since i started my course... i've got one month left to put it off... ;-)

sunday will be my first day i'm working sundays - from 9am - 9:30pm. i love long days - you get so much more of the whole picture. & i'll be with my mentor. she's amazing & i'm learning lots - more than respirations, really! i've done quite a few intramuscular injections now & it's amazing when the patient turns round & says "that didn't actually hurt at all..." well - maybe they're jsut pretending... you never know. after the first one i gave the lady seemed to be in agony & then turned round & said "only kidding"... great... :-)
another thing i love is taking venflons out - i could do it all day long...

oh yes - i love it all. sad i'll only be there for 2 more weeks :-(
don't know yet where i'll be after that. but i'm looking forward to it already. it's always more interesting than lectures...

new house

2005-09-01T17:37:00.000+01:00

man. the last few days have been crazy in every way!

the house changed one of its new inhabitants. that was quite interesting really. i went to the house with Niko on tuesday to pray for some outstanding stuff... i still had to chace up Maame cos i hadn't heard from her over the summer and couldn't get hold of her in any way...
so we prayed. he prayed for a friend he wanted to live with, but he decided for the house now. so we agreed if i can't find Maame in the next day his friend will move in instead... (harsh, ey?)

so of to the hospital i went in search for her (she's a nursing student too). i knew the ward she's on, but decided to check the library first (as the loo was near there...) and found her straight away! GOD is so good :-)
so i told Niko...

an hour later i got a call from Champa, who wanted to move in as well, saying she got a job in London (congratulations!) and was sorry to not live in the house on such short notice...
i told Niko... Praise the LORD! is what he said... so now his frind will live with us too.

it's great how GOD sorts out things!!!

it will all be good in a few days, even though we go through tears & uncertainties. Jesus is always there... and friends are at hand. thank you!

and the first presentation is done now as well. next one tomorrow... + exam results...

then i get to write an assignment every week...

just read bits of a journal in preparation for one of them... an assignment on research.
i found an article about humour in nursing care :-)

practical joke: to "build" an old lady out of pillows in an empty bed and put notes at the foot of her bed... ready for the night shift :-)

he he... maybe i should try that one day... but probably not as a student... oh no ;-)

look look new look

2005-08-17T18:06:00.000+01:00

Mareike
Originally uploaded by muh.

i finally managed to get my hair cut.
just in case you ignore me when i get back and you say "hey, whos that stranger" here's the photo :-)
yes - it's me.
i like it. don't know how it'll turn out after all the hairdresser stuff is washed out... but i think i'll still like it.
*looks happy*

Some things change, some stay the same…

2005-08-14T22:27:00.000+01:00

Yep, I’m back home (and already I struggle writing on that silly german keyboard… arrgh!).

It’s good to see people again and to feel welcomed by them, but it hurts to see some things still didn’t change: my grandma & my stepmum still don’t get on at all… I wish they’d grow up one day…

Maybe your right
Maybe I don’t get enough sleep
Maybe I can’t take critic
That’s why I cry like a baby

Maybe the world’s not ok
Maybe I’ve been away for too long
Maybe I still haven’t learned
That’s why I cry like a baby

But what if it’s not just me
What if there’s no-one who speaks
In your language of love
What if we just misunderstand

I hope there will be another time
One day we will understand
And move on from where we are now
I hope things will change
And love will survive
And hold the victory

On a lighter note – there are other things that didn’t change either…
kind of amusing that Friday is still fish-day for lunch and Saturday still gets the same old-style spaghetti (I’m glad I could escape that on a drip to Dresden with my 2 sisters & their other halves + my big little brother) and Sunday always gets its special white table cloth.
Not sure if I’m made for those kind of traditions yet, though…

The rabbits changed though. Baby-ones from this year spring are still alive but only one from the last generation (their mum) survived… Torsten (the rabbit, not my brother!!!) is somewhere in the freezer ;-)
When my little brother (Jakob, 6) introduced me to them he almost named one of the little ones Mareike, but I guess then he remembered he’d have to eat me some day so he changed it, he he. But they seem to change their names quite a lot… (yes, Christine!) :-)

Also our church is changing. They’re building the new house – yey!
I played piano this morning and had a warm welcome back. They changed the time too. Every other fortnight it’s 9.30am instead of 8.30am – and they start together with the kids now, which is amazing! I think GOD is doing stuff… slowly… so people can follow where He’s leading (I hope).

For lunch I got to cook cottage pie today (we don’t have it in germany). We didn’t have brown gravy though, so it wasn’t half as good… but hey – they don’t know and I just made them think English people are rubbish in cooking (or at least the german ones who lived there for 2 years). I still have 8 days to prove them wrong and I promise I’ll try my best (if they let me again that is…)

On a last note for tonight: I miss England!!! … a lot!
I miss all you lovely people and am looking forward to come back even though I’ll enjoy being here for the remaining days… try it anyway.

And Lesley (if you ever read this…): I’m really sorry I didn’t reply to your texts, but I didn’t have any credit to reply from germany… hope you had a good time though.

GOD bless you all.
Love from far far away (… well, not really… but almost)
xxx

forgot how tyring London is...

2005-08-01T22:42:00.000+01:00

especially when you walk for an hour through the park... (after you cycled to the hospital and back in luton already)

but it was really good to have that time with just Jesus and me.

the reason i went was quite exciting actually. i was sent to the Philippine Embassy to pick up Michael's passport as he was working today.
it reminded me all the way there of how GOD sends us to places. He gives us His authority to do the things we need to do and He provides & equips us with everything we need for "the mission". wow! pretty amazing when i think about it.
even though i doubt i use all the authority GOD gives me. we could do so much more if we use all He gives to us, all He trusts us with.

i managed for the first time to go to the boiler room too (and only found out now looking on the site that they're actually supposed to have holiday... sorry! well - Jude - they let me in...). it really is amazing!

on the way there i met a guy from the States who studies in London. he saw i was wearing a make poverty history band so he decided to talk to me for 15 minutes in the middle of the road about Christianity and how it is so different from the first church - back in the days (all those almost 2000 years ago).
do we meet every day like they did?
are we really too busy to do that (most of the first Christians were probably more busy then we are now - working on farms, being slaves, going fishing...)?
what is our excuse... and is it right to have it?
well - more thinking...

but first more sleep...

GOD - the same - yesterday, today & forever

2005-07-29T22:56:00.000+01:00

yep, GOD is still the same :-)
aren't you glad i figured that one out, ey?
it came to my realisation once again - i really should learn to acknowledge that every single day... i know it, but i don't always acknowledge it.

so today was the day - my one-and-only written exam during the whole three year course! could be my last exam ever (who knows...).
i woke up this morning and just felt a great peace. i wasn't nervous or anything yesterday, but people prayed anyway and this morning i felt even better.
i skipped down the road to uni because i knew GOD will not leave me. i knew there were people praying for me (thank you to everyone!!!) so i prayed back for them.

"trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge Him
and He will make your paths straight."
Proverbs 3:5+6

i'm glad i don't have to rely on my own strengths and understanding!

IQ

2005-07-27T18:39:00.000+01:00

ok. yes - i am supposed to study for my exam on friday, but hey - give me a break.

i just did an IQ-test. it actually was the first one ever i've completed. so i'm quite proud.
ususally i get too bored and don't finish (having to revise for an exam makes you find all sorts of excuses...) ... and i got 133 ;-)

they told me: "You are gifted with the natural fluency of a writer and the visual and spatial strengths of an artist. Those skills contribute to your creative and expressive mind."

i wonder how they come to that conclusion out of some basic mathematic equations...
oh well, i only hope it helps for the exam.

attitudes

2005-07-22T14:52:00.000+01:00

whenever a larger group of students from my course meets together for a lecture or tutorial they always end up complaining about placements, about staff, about HCA's... basically pretty much everything.
i want to run away as soon as they start. it's just not nice. and it doesn't help any of them to make it any better.

why complain that they have to make beds all the time & push commodes etc.? that's what nursing is in the basics. they'll never be able to do drugs all day long...

i think we just have to learn (including me) to be extremely humble & serve others without complaining. whether that's serving patients or staff...
i love doing it! and i hope all the other guys learn it soon as well.

identity

2005-07-21T14:59:00.000+01:00

"there are three things extremely hard:

steel, a diamond, and to know one's self."

Benjamin Franklin

"i wonder if i've been changed in the night. let me think, was i the same when i got up this morning? i almost think i can remember feeling a little different. but if i'm not the same, the next question is 'who in the world am i?' ah, that's the great puzzle!"

from Alice in Wonderland

someone i love challenged me yesterday on identitiy. well, i guess that's what love is about somehow: to challenge each other. first i didn't want to listen at all because i've heard it so often before (and - yes - never did anything about it...). but then i couldn't think about much else.

when i got home i read Jude's blog and came across the same thing again... who am i?

so i went to Jesus with it. what do you want me to do with this, LORD?

one thing i learned is that sometimes i am too proud of myself. i like being different in a way (well, everyone is different, don't get me wrong). individual. but how far does individuality go?

GOD is constantly changing & shaping us... the question is: will i let Him?

are you hot?

2005-07-14T22:56:00.000+01:00

that's the question i was asked by a patient today.
i couldn't lie, could i, so i said, "well, i'm not exactly cold"
"so - are you hot then?"
"yes, i am pretty warm - hot, if you want."

then i had to go to do something else.

later on i met him on the corridor and he asked me what is the best thing to do when you feel hot. i said a cold shower is probably best, which he totally agreed with...

half an hour later he knocked at the door of the nurses' office. i was the only one in, so i opened and asked if he was all right.
with a big grin he said "yes. are you still hot?"
"it hasn't really gone any colder, has it. so - yes, i am still pretty warm..."
so he decided to pour a cup of cold water over my head...
he thought it was very funny. and then he asked "are you still hot now?"

... i wasn't to be honest... it did help, but of course - now i was wet... so i did tell him off.

not enough, apparently. because 15 min later my mentor came in the office saying one of the HCA's got water poured over her head by one of the patients
:-)

those patients do care for us - really ;-)
i'm glad.

the simple things

2005-07-13T19:32:00.000+01:00

on a day like today - having cycled & survived 28km - i thank Jesus for drinking water & cold showers!!!
and of course His protection on the road,
and excellent weather,
and nice people to work with & mentor me,
and nice patients, too,
and for friends,
and caring people (who are my friends),
and for kind car drivers who respect people on their bike,
and for amazing people who cook for me,
and for people who pray for me even though i so often forget,
and for ice cream,
and for people who don't mind me being late for cell (because i'm still here writing...),
and for so so so much more i take for granted every day -
thank you JESUS
:-)

humiliation - love - death

2005-07-06T23:49:00.000+01:00

what would it be like to not be able to do what you're used to do anymore because you're too weak to do it because you're dying of cancer (or any other disease)?

what would it be like to depend on others for help?

to depend on those you love and you see they suffer in what they do for you because they aren't the strongest either, but they want to do it becasue they don't want to leave you becasue they love you...

what would it be like?

what would it be like to know you're dying?

tough questions.
i faced them today on a visit out in the community.
challenging, definitely.

i'll try & let GOD do His job in me.
let Him shape me how He wants me to be.

i do not do what i want to do and i do the things i don't want to do

2005-06-29T22:56:00.000+01:00

Romans 7:14-25. the Message...

"I can anticipate the response that is coming: "I know that all God's commands are spiritual, but I'm not. Isn't this also your experience?" Yes. I'm full of myself--after all, I've spent a long time in sin's prison. What I don't understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can't be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God's command is necessary.

But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.

It happens so regularly that it's predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.

I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question?

The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different."

...I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway... Something has gone wrong deep within me... I obviously need help!
The answer, thank God, is Jesus Christ...

LORD - that is so tough... but thinking about it - so true.
i wish i was stronger.
i wish i had more self control.
i wish i had more faith.
i wish i had more truth.
i wish i would not have to be me, but could leave my body and just totally be in Jesus.

Father - hold me. Jesus - forgive me. Holy Spirit - fill me.
...you take me as i am...

there is at least one thing i want to achieve in Christ:
sounds so simple... i want to pray for patients - every day before i go anywhere and see them. i want to go - not because i have to. not because they are in need. not because i can help them in any way. not just because...
i want to go because Jesus sends me and it is His task i am doing.
to be honest to you: i am very far away from that. but by the grace of GOD i will try not to give up, but to obey His call.

more placement - yey!

2005-06-27T19:09:00.000+01:00

today was the first day of my new placement lot.
i'll be 2 weeks with the district nurse and then 4 weeks in Townsend Court (Houghton Regis) with exams and a summer break in between.

district nurse is in Houghton Regis (& Toddington) as well, but based in Lewsey Farm... so not that far to cycle. and the good thing is - people treat you well when you cycle (even if you'd just pretend, i guess... i just say that so you can try one day... even if you push your bike there :-)
in the lunch break they stuffed me (almost) with donuts (my first ever chocolate filled one... yummy!) and muffins saying i'll need the energy to get back - how true :-)
very nice of them!

the work is basicly visiting patients that can't go out of the house to get the treatment they need. it's mainly wound care - mainly in elderly people.
i really enjoyed today. you meet lots of lovely people out there.

i even met a german old lady :-)
she told us her story. from the war and places she's been to. really interesting. it's great when history comes alive through poeple...
we spoke in english though. but she invited me back to speak some german some day... but it's way out the country side... too bad...

there are some sad stories too though. but today was a more happy day.
it's amazing to see the joy some people have, even though they have lots of problems in their bodies. in fact - the more troubles some people have the more content they seem... (depends on the person as well though...)

maybe that's how Job got through tough times...
and of course because he didn't give up his faith in GOD.

i want to be a happy old lady - trusting in GOD all the time and taking my joy from him. but maybe i don't have to worry about that just yet. for now i can be a happy young lady - trusting in GOD the same way... :-)

SUMMER!!!

2005-06-22T10:53:00.000+01:00

man- how i love summer. i don't know why people keep on complaining about the heat... ok, it's understandable maybe, but i like it...

this morning i sat in the sun & had a bowl of cereal with fresh strawberries from the garden. so goood! i tell you...

and now i sit out in the garden writing this...
nothing in specific, just didn't say anythng for a while.

oh - yesterday was kind of interesting. i had degree tutorial in Bedford.
through a "god-incidence" Howard had to be in Bedford at the same time, so i could get a lift there and didn't have to get a before 9:30 train ticket. GOD is awesome!
and then one of my course mates insisted on getting me lunch - GOD does provide indeed :-)

i even could get a lift back from one of my course people. they had an interesting conversation indeed. it was a gay guy giving advice to the driver (another guy) about how to get into a relationship with a girl. he did actually have some really good points, e.g. start of as friends (it is not about going out for a drink but knowing the girl as a person first). there was some swearing in between too, so i was never quite sure whether to agree or not...
oh well - i hope the guy could learn something from it. it definitely made him think.

last night i saw "batman begins". it is a really good movie and has some good lines in it. can make you think if you want to think. and if you don't you can just watch it and it still is pretty good.
"why do we fall? ...so we can learn to pick ourselves up..."

i better stop writing now. the keys are getting pretty hot from the sun and i don't wanna burn my fingers...

the reason i love daisies

2005-06-02T22:51:00.000+01:00

Daisy
Originally uploaded by muh.

i really do - they are my favourite flowers!

i was walking past some (well - quite a lot) of them this morning. while walking past i remembered the lawn they were growing on has only been cut 2 days ago and i felt sorry for those pretty flowers that day. so now - going past again - i was quite happy that they were out again already, after just 2 days!

maybe that's part of the reason why i love them (despite them being very pretty of course) - they don't give up easily. even if someone cuts them down - they just grow back again.

i want to be like that. when someone puts me down or hurts me i don't want to complain. i just want to grow back. i want to be restored by GOD and grow in Him, in his light ( daisies only open up when the sun is shining i noticed)...

something else i thought about today: walking home i noticed a lady sticking a bit of paper to someone's car parking in front of her house. that moment the owner of the car came back and the lady was complaining about that person parking the car right in front of her house (i assume that's what it said on the note). so they got in a bit of an argument...

i thought about what i'd like to do in a similar situation. i want to be able to say to that lady:"oh, i am really sorry, i didn't know that me parking here would annoy you that much. i won't do it again. have some chocloate..."

where is the love in this world (i know many people have gone out to look for it...)? do we make a difference? are we led by GOD's Spirit in every-day situations?

again - i want to learn from the daisy (sounds quite silly listening to myself now... but i hope you get the point). it just blooms again, even though it's cut down. it's only little, which makes it look so humble...

ok. maybe i want to learn from Jesus, rather than from a daisy... but still - they are pretty flowers :-)

understand

2005-05-30T12:04:00.000+01:00

this is more than just a game
but how else could i explain
that what you handle is my life

...
go with the flow
or step out of the row
i'm not of this world
stand up and be bold

i'll wait for His time
and know it is fine
whatever you say
please understand i pray

just read Christine's blog (i finally figured out how to do links...) and her post about choices. we have a lot of them and that's good, because GOD gives us freedom. He doesn't limit us - we often limit ourselves, i guess.

up there is something i wrote the other week about choice. do i chose to be holy? do i chose to be different? am i strong enough to stand my point? and is my point GOD's point as well? because if it isn't i don't want to stand for it...

more thinking...

the danger of boredom...

2005-05-28T19:55:00.000+01:00

i just was a bit bored, went for a walk in the evening sun and made a decision:
i'm going to wear a skirt tomorrow!!! (i only own one...)

that is only if the weather is nice and i still feel like it tomorrow morning. much can change over a good night's sleep...

but notice: i'm wearing it right now while sitting on my bed :-)
shame you can't see it... haha.

i hope i don't get bored too often... because that would mean i might have to get a new skirt. no way!! ;-)

unity

2005-05-26T12:19:00.000+01:00

LORD, how can you put up with us?
where do you get all that patience from?
all that love?...
we are horrible creatures - i am anyway.
i'm sorry, LORD!!!

why don't you just give up
what is it that holds you to us

we ignore you
run away from you
fight over you

we claim to love you
say we know you
think we have you

you find us in our place
surround us with your grace
you cover us with your love
and come down from above

forgive us
restore us
unite us

in you

my aging body...

2005-05-19T01:02:00.000+01:00

it hurts. just sat too long in a wrong position. my back & shoulders hurt and crack when i move.
my ankles crack when i walk anyway... so do my knees when i bend them.
and since monday morning i'm deaf on my right ear...

oh well. i wonder if i'd get pension in england even though i'm not that english yet... maybe i should apply anyway.
or maybe my ear unplugs soon and if i put enough oil in my joints they'll stop cracking too.

but i'm not too worried. apparently things get worse once you hit 20. so now's the time...

:-)

balance

2005-05-17T23:22:00.000+01:00

i've gone out a long way
and it's hard to keep the balance
on the edge i stand on now

i'm not sure how i got here
just followed my instincts?
and now woke up and realized:

will i have strength to enjoy the breeze
or will i have to hold on tight
to not let go and fall -
one step further and i'm gone

how can i fight against the storm
who will teach me to be strong
oh LORD, i call out to you:

give me the strength to enjoy the breeze
and help me to hold on tight
to not let go and fall -
keep me close to you

special friend

2005-05-16T21:50:00.000+01:00

just to let you all know: i've got a special friend and i'm sooo proud of Him and love Him very much - with more than just "boyfriend-love": JESUS!!! :-)

time flies...

2005-05-15T15:58:00.000+01:00

it is really strange how time can pass so quickly... and again i have to say - so much has happened. if i wouldn't write stuff down i wouldn't know what i'm doing all day long because there's so much i would forget it all the time...

but hey - i got the assignment done eventually. i had to ask for an extension over the weekend but my semster leader is really nice so she gave it to me without lots of words (except: "but you really need to learn how to manage your time and prioritize"... some truth in there :-) ...).

last weekend we went away with the CU to Harrow for our house party (=weekend away). we had a really blessed time together & learned some pratical stuff about holiness (1Peter). so now we just need to apply it - sometimes there is such a big gap between the one and the other...

for last friday i had another assignment due in. but it was only 1,000 words so that's not too bad. and GOD always helps :-) He really does. whenever i try and write stuff and don't pray before i start i don't get very far. it's good that GOD keeps me close to him that way.

my placement is now out in the community with the health visitor. it's good to see lots of babies again - and i get to play with toddlers in drop-ins. i painted with them last friday and got really messy - so much fun :-)
but in general i have to say for now i prefer work in the hospital on the wards. it's not that community isn't nice - it's just if noone turns up you just sit there with nothing to do. you can never tell what's going to happen. but i guess that's the nature of it. maybe i'll get used to it and enjoy it one day. i'm actually pretty sure i will...

now i've got only one more week out there. then i finished my second semester! praise the LORD :-)
so that means back to classrooms & lectures in 2 weeks time. i'll miss being with people, but on the other hand i'll have more time for being with people as people being friends. so i'm looking forward to that.

i shall see you guys around. GOD bless you!

another day... and so much more to do

2005-04-26T15:01:00.000+01:00

just finished another amazing day on the ward. i'll really miss working there in 2 weeks time.
and - surprise surprise - i met Chris today. it was amazing to suddenly see her coming round the corner :-) - picking up one of our patients for departure lounge. i think that made my day...

i had a minor shock today as well... found out that one of my assignments (the big one with 2,500 words) is due in next friday. i thought i'd have time till end of May that's why i didn't do anything yet, not even research. but i'm glad GOD told me in time it's in next week.
so i know what to do... it's going to be a tough & busy week then... so might not go to cell tomorrow...

on another note - GOD tought me some more about love at breakfast this morning (at 5:45am). i read 1 John 3+4. it's so obvious that we have to love others, because GOD loved us first. so if GOD is in us, then His love is too and it doesn't want to stay there for ever. it wants to come out... i can't do anything else but loving people. sounds pretty obvious to me... so let's get started...

that time again...

2005-04-25T21:33:00.000+01:00

sorry i didn't update for so long. now it's that time agian to tell you what's been going on...

not that much really. well - actually - a lot. for the last 2 weeks i worked on the same ward in the hospital. it's an elderly people's ward. having worked maternity before (even though it was only 3 days), i wasn't looking that much forward to it.
but that's no justification. now i actually have to admit: i love working there. i could learn so much in just 2 weeks and the people there - staff and patients - are amazing. it's great to work with them.

i'm grateful to GOD that He helps me to cope with difficult situations and helps me to love people in their need.

i was cycling up to the hospital some point during the last 2 weeks and singing a bit of a song where it says, "... do you really love me?" it was GOD asking me whether i really love him and it was easy to say: yes, of course, LORD. you know i do.
but of course He asked me again and agian - as He did with Peter. and it made me think. do i really love Him? still: the answer is yes, but it's deeper. and then GOD's reply is: "then go and show this love to others."

well... that's what i thought i was doing. but not enough maybe.

whatever i do, even with the expressions on my face - a smile - i worship GOD and show his love to others... hopefully that can be true.

my time feeling got a bit confused during work though. i managed to do every possible shift and each one of them has something special about it. and i worked last saturday, which made me lose time completly. oh well... it could be worse :-)

and another thing: work makes me value sleep that little bit more :-)

good night peops...

random

2005-04-09T23:57:00.000+01:00

just watched "vanilla sky". a very random confusing film... especially after i missed the first 45 minutes or so. but it is not a bad film, don't get me wrong.

now... having just seen it and going upstairs... that's what's on my mind. it doesn't quite make sense yet, anyway...

how can i believe myself
if i am so confused
and tell me
how can i trust myself
if all seems so surreal

i don't know where to go anymore
and don't know whom to believe
i seem so lost in this big world
why would anyone care

how can i make it right again
if i don't know where it went wrong
and tell me
how can i say the truth
if i seem to live a lie

i don't know where to go anymore
and don't know whom to believe
i seem so lost in this big world
why would anyone care

how can i find good answers
if the questions are wrong
and tell me
why am i singing this song
if it's not me who sings

this randomness drives me crazy
i need to wake up and get real

... will i be brave enough to face myself, LORD?

new sounds

2005-04-08T11:54:00.000+01:00

this is for those of you who'd like to listen to some german music for a change. i just found it and have listened to it since...

http://www.gerth.de/CDdesMonats/

it will probably change after a month, so i don't know what will be next. but this lady singing here, Thea Eichholz-Mueller (in april) is mainly singing about pain, suffering, hiding under GOD's wings and being safe there.
her husband was a worship leader in germany but died after suffering from cancer. so she knows what pain means.

i love the 3rd song:

"… your children walk through the valley
their enemies are many in number.
and your children are heard crying out to you:

my heart, it can’t keep up with that yet,
your ways, they are too hard for me.
i don’t understand you…"

managed to look the lyrics up on the internet (http://www.thea-eichholz.de/). it goes on like that:

"but still, i stay with you,
i hang on to you,
i stay faithful to you as you are to me.
my life - i lay it in your hand.
yes, i stay with you.
however big the hardship is in me,
you are my GOD!
my rock, on which i find rest and peace,
i stay with you - i hang on to you..."

i wish i could listen to all of it. well - now i know what i could put on my next christmas list for people at home :-)

learning quickly

2005-04-06T11:06:00.000+01:00

yes. i did learn something today as soon as i got there:

never give away your pen to someone else and leave them with it because you won't get it back...

but i had to give one away in order to learn that lesson... sorry Chris!!! yes, it was the orange one :-(
but at least it had a good message on it: Give thanks to the LORD for He is good. :-) so i hope the midwife will learn from that as well...

i was on delivery suite today. the midwifes there were brilliant and i could learn a lot more. i actually could use what i learned yesterday, so time wasn't waisted after all.

something more amazing: i saw how a baby was born!!! i won't go into detail here (you can ask me if you want to know more though), but i'll let you know one thing: it is amazing. one tiny little boy more in this big scary world. he was really brave coming out there, and his mum did a great job too. one of GOD's miracles indeed!
i'll leave you with that for now. words wouldn't be enough anyway...

on second thought...

2005-04-04T19:58:00.000+01:00

i was very excited yesterday and woke up at 4:45 this morning. my alarm was supposed to go off at 6, but i couldn't stay in bed any longer by 5:30...

and i was very surprised that it gets light outside about 6 already! that's a brilliant thing - thank you Jesus :-)

hm. now it's all over - the first day on placements... and what's left?
it feels like nothing... cycling back from the hospital felt like i just cycled up there a few minutes earlier when it was actually 9 hours...

it felt like a dream. i waited for that day for so long - and then it passes by so quickly... by the time i started enjoying things more and more and got a bit more independent in what i did and felt more secure in it, it was time to leave... and most probably never come back there...
quite sad if i think about it. but i'm sure GOD can make something out of that. i don't know yet what, but i know the experiences i gained today were worthwhile.

finally!

2005-04-04T15:44:00.000+01:00

tata! i've done it - my very first ever first day on the wards :-)
and i only almost fainted twice...

it was quite chaotic - maternity placement. a week ago they had only 5 out of 30 beds full - this week they were all full... but they have some lovely HCA's there, who helped me a lot and took me with them. the midwives were too busy in general, but towards the end of my shift i got to follow one of them as well, which was really nice. and i got to follow the paediatrician as well.

i saw lots of babies being bathed, but unfortunately it was a bit too warm in there, well - it's good for the babies, but for me... well. as i said - i only almost fainted twice... but i got to sit down before it happened (even though the 2nd time was pretty close...).
when i sat there, undizzying my mind, someone saw me and blamed me for sleeping and being lazy... oh well. to make up for that i "punished" her with following her up later.
everyone there has been really good explaining to me and showing me round.

tomorrow i'm on delivery suite. apparently that's even warmer - and that constantly... but i'm looking forward to it! i'll let you know of my survival :-)

holidayday

2005-04-02T14:08:00.001+01:00

Wow. what an amazing day i had yesterday! at least in the afternoon and evening.

it was still pretty cloudy, but i decided to get my bike (i got it back a week ago... so you drivers - watch out!) and finally cycle to Harpenden (they had a 24-7 prayer room on the YWAM base and i planned to go since last week...).
and - hey - the sun actually made it's way out after all. so i had great weather to cycle. getting into Harpenden i crossed a bridge and had a break watching the river... i wish i had one of those digital cameras, then i could show you lots of photos of the amazing nature that surrounds us in Luton... but perhaps it's even better if you check it out yourselves if you have time :-)

anyway. i got to the base and decided to have a walk through the woods before going to the prayer room. i left my bike at a tree and went away (i locked it though), strolling through the wood. thinking about it, maybe i shouldn't have left my bike there... but i trusted in GOD that He'll take care of it.
on my way back i imagined it being gone... i thought, well, actually i don't necessarily need it. it's definitely faster to get to the hospital with (only half an hour), but i managed walking so far, so why should i not walk like i did before. i almost got used to the thought of my bike being gone but i wasn't exactly disappointed when it was still there... i'm sure GOD still wants me to use it for a while. but i guess it's a good thing not to hang on to things too much...

the time i had in the prayer room was great! i wasn't praying all the time as in just me & GOD, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. talking to people about GOD and life can be a way of prayer too, at least that's what i think. so i had a good time with GOD and with people, meeting new people as well as "old" friends during praying and after.

cycling back was later than planned and it was dark already. but i do have lights on my bike, not that strong anymore, but better than dark. so i was riding my bike up to Luton singing "this little light of mine, i'm gonna let it shine" :-)
don't know what all the rabbits thought of that though...

growing excitement

2005-03-22T21:00:00.000Z

for the last hour i've been sitting in the library listening to the Bible on the internet... in Urdu! i can't understand a word (except Abraham or Isaac every now and then...) but it's amazing for three reasons:

- first of all: it's not just reading. they sing it as well. and have some traditional music & drumming in the background. so it sounds actually quite interesting (not like so often boring european reading at all!)

- secondly: it's quite exciting to listen to a language i (hopefully) might be able to speak in a few years time, but at the moment i don't understand a word of it... just enjoying the sounds :-) - weird...

- and then it's an amazing thought, that it might not only be me who is listening to that right now. there might be others, those who actually understand the language... listening to the stories from the Bible for the first time in their life! that's mindblowing! what amazing opportunities... (http://www.talkingbible.com)

now i'm at the point where i can hum the melody of the words, 'coz it's the same all the time :-) maybe i'll do that on my way home now...

GOD brings revival

2005-03-20T23:51:00.000Z

the service tonight was amazing... and after the thoughts i had 2 days ago almost scary... but great!
Barry was giving his testimony, but at the same time talking about Luton and inviting people to receive the Holy Spirit. he talked about a revival in Luton... and i think it's already happening in some ways.

now 2 days ago, that's what i wrote down in my journal:

a young generation in love with Jesus
they want to get out
they want to make Him known
they are on fire
ready to fight whatever the cost
they love Him with all their hearts
their love is not romantic but radical
they are ready to go

and many encourage them to go
many support them
pray for them
even fight with them

but some try to hold them back
hold them with their grudges
with their fears
they talk about money
complain they didn't book
they want control over what can't be controlled
because only Jesus knows
where they go

will they go anyway?

moods

2005-03-17T12:13:00.000Z

LORD, how often is it that my moods influence my relation to you?
i am sorry.

help me to put aside my temporary moods
help me to put aside my laziness
help me to search you with ALL my heart
- early in the morning and late at night
help me to never grow tired
help me to put you first again and again
help me to never go without you anywhere
help me to overcome excuses

help me to be with you Jesus.

oh sweet punishment...

2005-03-16T09:58:00.000Z

it's only the beginning of the day, but it feels i've been up for ages and i'm really tired...
well - all with reason. let me explain...

in semester 1 (half a year ago now...) our lecturer gave us two examples of assignments so we know what is expected of us for our assignments. he asked us to give them back to him by the end of semester 1. of course that is one of them things that tend to be forgotten very easily - so did half our course (yes, including me).

so he reminded us again by the beginning of this week. he needed them wednesday morning - yes - today. and of course i forgot again... but i actually remembered in time: last night.
so the plan was to get up early this morning so i can get to the hospital for 9am.

plan succeeded. i got there 8:45 (broke my previous records - without running :-)...). but (there has to be a but) getting there i found out that this lecturer would be in park square this morning!
joy... the lecture he would do there was to start at 10am... so that gave me time to walk back...

i did get there in time, broke another record and gave the assignments to one of the students there, cos the lecturer wasn't there yet...

so all i did today so far was walking... and praying on the way, which is the good thing about it.

"Good understanding wins favour, but the way of the unfaithful is hard."
Proverbs 13:15

"Be sure of this: The wicked will not go unpunished, but those who are righteous will go free."
Proverbs 11:21

ok. i did get my punishment, and i'm not complaining because i haven't deserved better.
hopefully i've learned.

questions - again and again...

2005-03-12T18:30:00.000Z

i want to fly
want to be free
want to be carried by the wind
and follow where it goes

i want to spread out my wings
want to be lost
want to trust in you and love
hold nothing back

but i am afraid
don't want to lose what i won
don't want the risk
of being alone

where am i going?
will i fly?
or just stay on the ground?

need to get out of my box...

how good is it to do the right things out of wrong motives?
how much good is it to pretend to be strong if i feel weak inside and seem to break?
how much of me is me? how much am i myself?
and how many things am i doing just becasue others expect me to?
or is it that i only think they expect me to...?

LORD - i'm lost... help me to find myself - in you.

help me to trust people. to trust friends. to let go of them. to give them back their freedoms without holding on to them. i don't want to lose any of them... and maybe i can only do that if i let go...

it's so hard.

spring

2005-03-10T17:30:00.000Z

yey! today was the first proper day of spring this year - at least for me. all the wonderful smells of fresh air after a light rain. grass, flowers... birds singing...

sounds all very cheesy, perhaps it is... but i did enjoy it.

oh well...

2005-03-09T12:01:00.000Z

oh well...
Originally uploaded by muh.

i didn't quite manage to upload a photo to where it was supposed to be - on my profile... but at least it's there. so that's one step closer to the end result :-)

and that's all because i was supposed to prepare a prayer meeting on hinduism for this afternoon and put together a presentation for tomorrow at the same time.

why is it people often tend to go for the third option if there are only two...?

alive...?

2005-03-08T12:35:00.000Z

yes, i am still alive! sorry for not up-dating for ages. i think one of the resons is, that i always thought i should tell you everything that happened in the last month and never got round it. so i kept putting it off...
but now i decided to just carry on. fill you in on some bits... you'll see

CU secretary?! ... nooo. not me...

2005-03-08T12:32:00.000Z

yep. i was asked some point in february by our old committee whether i would like to be a part of the new committee. not expecting much i agreed...

the first meeting came. we were asked what we would like to be, which role we would like to take on...
"Mareike, would you like to be the new secretary?"

i tell you... i woke up... me? secretary? isn't that something do with organizing and stuff...? i'm no way good in that. i know what Karen did in her role... am i capable of taking that on? am i good enough? organized enough?

i don't know why i said yes... but i did...

so the next few days i thought about it. prayed about it. but GOD just didn't seem to say no... so i guess He wanted me for that, too. perhaps He wants to teach me how to be organized... well - He does have a sense of humour, doesn't he?

last weekend of february we, the new committee (Miriam-president, Eric-treasurer&worship, Patrick-evang&international, and me), went on new leaders training weekend. it was all exciting... and by now i really was excited
:-)
it was an amzing weekend with lots of input, based on Phillipians - putting Jesus first. starting and finishing everything at the foot of the cross. being humble in leadership. shining like stars in the universe(ity)... all very challenging.

so - last thursday was the hand over at CU. now it's all official. first meetings are planned.

after easter i'll start my placement at the hospital. my CRB check came in 3 weeks ago (Praise the LORD! YEYEYEY!). so it's gonna be hard. working 5 days a week - full shifts & being CU secretary. but i know that GOD put me there. and He doesn't just put us somewhere and looks how we go on. no - He will always be right besides me. when i struggle and when things work out just fine. He is the source of my energy. He is the beginning and the end...

silence?

2005-02-01T23:20:00.000Z

today was a day where i thought loads - about words. about no words...
i was sitting at home - with people around, but no-one talking. i know it's just a phase... but it made me think. so here are my thoughts, my prayer...

LORD, is there a gift of always remaining silent? If there is... well, i guess i'll have to get used to it.
sorry, LORD, it just doesn't feel right... why can't i talk more sometimes?
i know - not saying anything means i can't say any rubbish either, which is a good thing, i guess... but, once again, i don't know...

i think, "when i can't maintain a proper convesation with GOD, how will i be able to have proper conversations with people?"

is that what it's about, LORD? please teach me how to pray & then teach me how to talk!

but what if there is nothing to say?

i don't always want "how are you doing?"-conversations. i want to put a meaning into words... i want to say things you'd say. good words. healing words, rather than hurting ones...

"there is a time for everything... a time to be silent and a time to speak..."
Eccl. 3:1+7

"oh, that i had the wings of a dove! i would fly away and be at rest - i would flee far away and stay in the desert; i would hurry to my place of shelter, far from the tempest and storm."
psalm 55:6-8

rest

2005-01-30T08:13:00.000Z

i carry with me
burdens and worries
of days long past
and of days still to come

i am bound by my
words and my thoughts
confusion to others
and pain to myself

and all you say is
rest at my side
i will give you my peace
lie down your load
be still my child

you carry what's mine
my burdens and worries
you are bound by my
words and my thoughts

confusion is mine
my pain is now yours
what can i give
to my saviour and my king

but all you say is
rest at my side
i will give you my peace
lie down your load
be still my child

i am still my Lord
there's nothing to say
... except - i love you
and i am yours

long time...

2005-01-29T17:09:00.000Z

over 2 weeks later now... sorry.

i handed in all my assignments by now and started my second semester this week.
Amazing!!! now there are only 8 more to go... with GOD at my side i'll be able to handle that... without Him i'm lost!

during the last 2 weeks i had a few battles to fight... but i'm glad it's over. well... not exactly, but i guess my mind signed a peace contract somehow for a while... till it starts wondering to wrong places again.
i don't want it to... but sometimes it does. because i am soo weak... my only strength is GOD. and if i walk away from Him... well... i am pretty much lost...

it took me something like a week to completely give "it" to GOD ("it" meaning certain worries and thougths). i thought i gave it to Him, but it kept coming back to me.
till i realized i only showed it to GOD. i didn't exactly let go of my thoughts and worries. just showed them to Him like a kid shows it's special treasures... and then walked off again... with them...

so i finally handed it over... and it took me another day to fully accept His forgiveness.

GOD is amazing! to Him be all the glory and praise!

do not be anxious...

2005-01-11T22:48:00.000Z

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to GOD."
Philippians 4:6

i cried a lot recently about various things.
i'm afraid of losing friends i didn't even win yet... at least not in the way GOD wants it to be... but if it's not there yet will GOD just take it away? if GOD intends more then there will be more.

sometimes it's just so hard to understand things that did not go our way. or at least to accept them. i don't know if we are always meant to understand...

i will have to learn to take it graciously out of GOD's hand.

i'm glad for having friends around me. GOD put you there and that's great to know.
i love you lots.
and i'm glad we can cry together... yea - i'm not the only waterwerk
:-)

motivation

2005-01-06T17:45:00.000Z

so much of what we do depends on where we get our motivation from.

i sat down in the library today to do more work on my assignment (i still had over 1000 words to write). but before i started to write anything down i offered it up to GOD & read a bit in his word.
The passage He showed me made me smile and opened my eyes:

Romans 12:11
"do not be lazy but work hard,
serving the LORD with all your heart."

GOD knows best what we need. and i needed motivation and a bit of a kick...

he gave it :-)

so now i only need 400 more words till tomorrow. only by the grace of GOD i will be able to do that. but i will do it!

halleluja! preist den HERRN! :-)
(who knows what that means? haha... i might start teaching you some german...)

GOD in us

2005-01-05T09:15:00.000Z

i'm still reading that book about "practicing the presence of GOD" (to be honest, i just picked it up again after not reading in it for 3 weeks...)

so i thought i should share what i just read:

"God... is not far from us... Rather He awaits us every instant in our action, in the work of the moment... He is at the tip of my pen, my brush, my needle - of my heart and of my thought"
Teilhard de Chardin

He is at the tips of the keys on my laptop while i try to write assignments.
He is between the letters and words i read in order to then write.
He is on my pillow when i lay down to sleep.
He is near the spoon i use to eat my cereal in the morning.
He is in the bathroom when i brush my teeth or have a shower.

He is everywhere where i am. i only need to take one moment in whatever i do to realize He is there. To welcome him into my work as he welcomes me into his...
isn't that amazing? wow!

i still need to learn a lot to get there. but i'm glad he is patient with me.

then another bit from the book. just to make you think...

"Suppose that you were married and became pregnant. Would you stop cooking for your husband? Would you stop doing the laundry, the cleaning, stop going to meetings on racial justice and school affairs? No. You'd go about your daily business. The only difference between you and everyone else would be that you were carrying a child...
Wherever you go you are pregnant with Christ, and you bring his presence as you would bring the presence of a natural child...
Applying this example to the mystery of being pregnant with God (and it applies to both men and women)... it is as if within you there was a little log cabin in which you and Christ are very close; in this attitude you go about your business... You bring God to the street, the party, the meeting, in a very special and powerful way... You are pregnant with Christ.
You are Christ-bearers."
Catherine de Hueck Doherty

struggles will only make me stronger...

2005-01-04T13:18:00.000Z

happy new year to you all!

sorry. it's been a long time...

i'm back now. yey!
sometimes it's hard to know where i belong. when i got back saturday it was all mixed together somehow...
first there was my folks at home who brought me to the airport.
then Ruth picked me up from the station back in luton.
dropped me off at Howard's, where i'll live the next week 'cos the Boctor's house is still full.

it was weird and made me think.

my sister gave me a t-shirt at christmas. printed on it is "i'm only visiting this planet...", which is true.
i'm so glad my home is with GOD! and i never have to move out there. never have to pack my stuff when i return after running away.

and i thank GOD for all the family (be it through the blood of Christ or that of my parents) He gave me on this planet. it's amazing when i think about it and i thank all of you who are part of this family for everything!

on a quick note: i had a great time at home. snow, friends, family...

since being back psalm 116 spoke a lot to me:

"the LORD is gracious and rightous;
our GOD is full of compassion.
the LORD protects the simple-hearted;
when i was in great need, he saved me.

be at rest once more, o my soul,
for the LORD has been good to you." (vs5-7)

i've got an assignment to finish by the end of this week and another one next week. so it is easy to get a bit stressed.
but GOD is still the same GOD. the giver of peace and love. only with His help will i be able to do it. adn i thank Him for that!

the other thing that upset me was, i got a letter from uni saying the CRB form i filled out in october probably got lost. so i'll have to do it all over again!
that doesn't help my assignment-write-motivation...
it's tempting to think "when they don't do what they're supposed to do, why should i be bothered writing assignments for them..."

but i know it's wrong. it probably isn't their fault at all and they try what they can.
but still - it's hard and i will need a lot more patience...

"be at rest once more, o my soul, for the LORD has been good to you."
and He won't change!
hallelujah!

Fit to join the army?

2004-12-23T21:30:00.000Z

No one asked me that yet. But it felt a bit like that today…
I went shopping with my little brother (5). Of course I got to carry the bags. You can’t expect him to do that and I don’t want him to do that yet either.
But he is a sport fanatic (no wonder with all the sugar intake he has) so he started running down the hill… and I had to run after him… exactly: with the bags in my hand. Funny picture I guess :-)

Later on today I got to give him a piggy back down the road. The reason for that was when we started the first time he fell – right into a puddle… and got quite wet in there. So we went back home & he got changed – I got told off of course…
So in order to avoid that a second time I simply carried him.

And then back home Jakob invented that game where you have to roll the dize and you have to do 6 knee bends for a 6, 5 jumps for a 5, 4 press ups for a 4 and some other “fun” stuff… :-)

I guess exercise is not a bad thing though before all that food to come very soon.

Information on the snow: it’s almost gone now. Just in time for Christmas… oh well.

“rise up church with broken wings…”

2004-12-22T12:29:00.000Z

So was my prayer back in Luton for my church here. And it still is. Every single day since I got home I talked about our church with someone, be it my dad, my brother, my grandma or friends.
They are crying out for awakening, which is amazing to see.

Tonight I went to the bible study group (one for the whole church!). they were talking about the possibility of maybe starting house groups. They invited 2 church leaders from another village who just started them this year.
It was so good to be there. I could tell them about what we do in Luton as well :-) .

Then my dad, brother, me & two others stayed back & talked about the situation in our youth. At the moment there is no leader. The 2 that are up to do it are not seen as fit to do so by the church elders. And the 2 the elders suggested (one of them is my brother) don’t feel up for it yet (they are both 16).

They need a lot of prayer on that one. And a lot of wisdom, too. And love!

Getting home…

2004-12-20T13:26:00.000Z

I got home after all. We planned to leave the house at 4:50am (bus left 5:10am). Ruth (my house mum) kindly offered me a lift down to the station. But after we packed the car I realized a big puncher in the back wheel. Ooohps…
So Mark had to wake up and gave me a lift… (big thank you)

At the bus station I met 2 german girls. One of them on the same flight as mine! And the only empty seat in the bus was… next to a german lad on his way to Leipzig – same plane as me!
So I was in good company during the waiting hours at the airport. GOD is so amazing! And – the girl, Daniela, is a Christian, too! So we prayed together over my luggage (it was far too heavy).

GOD answered our prayers other than expected. Instead of taking the weight out of my suit case he just provided a cash machine at the right time (I didn’t have any money on me). So I had to pay the fees but at least now I could pay for it.
But to do so I had to join another queue. We were late already. You are supposed to be at the gate 40min prior departure (in theory anyway). It was about 30min now – and I was still in the queue. But again – GOD never leaves us :-) ! We got to jump the queue eventually… 20 min left!

Check in – another queue & 10min wait. By the time I got through I was kind of panicking which is usually unlike me. So now I had 7min left to find the gate…
Just to find out they changed the gate…
But fortunately just around the corner. And there I found my new travel friends again. No one was in the plane yet because it was delayed. Thank you Jesus!!!

The flight was good. The destination changed. So we landed in Erfurt (instead of Altenburg) but a bus was provided so no problems there.
My parents & my little brother picked me up from there and we went home.

The snow we have seems so surreal! It is awesome. Cold & fluffy :-) …
Only 10cm, but better than nothing. Very very very cold… -7°C is average at the moment.

One thing will be hard: to accept the authority of Friedi (my step mum). But I can see a challenge: she likes to complain. So I want to try to not give her the opportunity to. I’ll try to be good… help me LORD, I pray.

off to germany :-)

2004-12-20T01:08:00.000Z

ok. it's time to say good bye again.
i'm going home to germany for christmas, which is a good thing 'cos i haven't been there last year.

but it still feels weird somehow. i was thinking about how much i've grown spiritually over the last few months/year. and people at home haven't seen me on that journey.
they might find it hard to accept.
i might find it hard to accept...
to stand up and give my opinion even though i'm a lot younger than many others.
to stand up and give my opinion to something they might struggle with but i haven't been there while they went through that and now all of a sudden i try to say something?

hmm. we will see...

but there will be snow at home :-) and i get to ski with my two "little" brothers... and sledging. that should be fun. yey!
i haven't done that for ages. since january to be exact :-)

i hope to be able to have a prayer & worship evening at some point. that should be interesting if it works out. really looking forward.

i'll let you know more about that if my brother lets me use his computer :-)

yey - it's christmas?

2004-12-17T13:40:00.000Z

hi guys. as you all know - it's this time of year again. Christmas.
but somehow this time it feels so different to me... so sad...

i can't help myself but cry again. that's what i did last night... and i know, Jesus knew exactly why i was crying. i'm so glad He understands even if noone else does (but i know some, at least one, does :-) thank you!).

but i didn't tell you yet what i'm on about, sorry.

Christmas has changed so much (and i have changed, too). it seems to be so much about giving presents, which is not bad itself. but the reasons are. why is it we give presents?

is it because we always did?
is it because others give to us?
is it because we want to get presents - and if we give, we will get?

Christmas is because of Jesus. He gave himself to us. not only as a baby, but also on the cross. He died for me! for you! and he rose again.
sounds like Easter? it is! it all belongs together. we need to see the big picture, not only that cute little baby in a manger...

crackers, alcohol, a party, loud music, too much food & presents - that's not Chritsmas. if we have a party with all that, but without Jesus we shouldn't call it a Christmas party, because only Jesus makes Christmas Christmas.

i looked for christmas images on google. i had to scroll down 6 pages to find one Christian picture - a stamp - Mary holding Jesus.

How could we get this far?!

i don't want you to not celebrate Christmas. please don't get me wrong.
i only want us to remember the truth!
i want to help you to understand me a bit more (sorry i wasn't in a party mood last night... now you kind of know why...).

so - i hope you have a really blessed Christmas this year and remember why we have it.

the blessing after sacrifice

2004-12-11T22:00:00.000Z

i had an awesome night last night. the CU had a prayer night in the chaplaincy from 10pm till 7am. it was amazing - dwelling in GOD's presence!
i was afraid i would get really tired and fall asleep so i prayed GOD would keep me awake. He did indeed! i wasn't tired at all - all night. in fact half way through the night i wanted that night to go on longer than 7 in the morning.

so often we don't take that special time for GOD.
times when it's only GOD & me - GOD & you.
times when you don't have to worry about the next task you have to do (like writing an assignment or do the washing up or whatever) but can just concentrate on GOD.

when we are ready to make a sacrifice to GOD (like a good nights sleep) He will reward us in His ways. for example He will give us the energy to do it.

He gave me indeed so much energy that i only needed 2h sleep over lunchtime saturday & then went out to meet some amazing chinese friends. we had a great afternoon & evening together. so much fun.
i learned a few more words in chinese and kept on annoying (in a good way though) people around me
:-)

("sho ma"?... means "what" - just to explain to those of you who'll hear that more often from me now...)

"practice the presence of GOD"

2004-12-06T16:36:00.000Z

that's the title of the book i'm reading at the moment (by Joyce Huggett) based on an old monk's wisdom - Brother Lawrence.

it's actually a really good book. i wasn't too sure from the beginning. sounded too theological... so i tried putting it of - 'til now...

but if you are stressed out and have a bad conscience of not spending enough time with GOD - it's the right book for you. even for me not being too stressed it's good :-)

this morning i read a bit and it was about someone who's thoughts wonder off during prayer times. to be honest: i can identify a lot with that situation...

so that's what the monk wrote to her:

"you tell me noting new. you are not the only one to be troubled by your thoughts. our mind is always given to roving... i believe that the cure for this is to confess all our faults and to humble ourselves before GOD. i do not advise you to much talking at prayer, for much talking is often an occasion for wandering.
hold yourself before GOD like a poor dumb person, or a paralytic at a rich man's gate.
give your attention to keeping your mind in the presence of the LORD - if it wanders and withdraws at times, do not be disturbed. to trouble the mind serves more often to distract than to recall it. the will must call it back quietly. if you persevere in this, GOD will have pity on you..."

i guess i still have to learn a lot on practicing the presence of GOD in every day life. but that's a good thing. i want to learn just that. i'm ready to learn for the rest of my life... and i shall be very happy if it doesn't take that long.

only by the grace of GOD...

I should...

2004-12-02T18:07:00.000Z

i should have phoned the GP practice today - about placements.
i should have spent more time with people instead of myself when i was near them.
i should have done a bit more work for my course.
i should phone home.
i should phone J.
i should write to Felix.
i should have tidied my room more.
i should have e-mailed dad and tell him the laptop came & say a big thank you.
i should get credit on my phone so i can text people back in time.
i should get bus tickets & sort things out for when my brother & friends come.
i should visit Jane.
i should start playing piano again.
i should prepare for young church on sunday.
i should...

LORD, i really should start my day with you & make my plans with you.

you should be first in everything - only then i will get things done.

you should be A & O, beginning & end of my day - & in between.

you say you are -
you want to be.

i want you to be A & O.

i'll try...

broken & gone

2004-12-02T10:28:00.000Z

woke up this morning and had a weird feeling... still had thoughts from last night in my head. i said something really stupid to someone and didn't mean it at all. i guess that's why i sometimes prefer to say nothing because what comes out of my mouth is only rubbish...

but this morning went on. i felt like a glass broken on the floor - smashed into pieces. but noone dropped me...

it was Jesus that put me there. he held me in his hand and he's seen a crack in me, maybe from last night, maybe it has been there for a long time... only he knows.
he's seen it and wondered what to do. noone can drink out of a glass with a crack. can be quite dangerous...

so he asked me what to do. he knew he could break me & renew me and he knew that's the best option. but he is loving. so he asked me first. he told me there'll be pain but it will be good in the end.

i was hurting anyway... so i let him break me...

but Jesus won't just drop us. he is gentle. he is careful. he doesn't want to hurt us, only wants to heal... i don't know how he broke my glass... only see the bits on the floor now...

what is there now is my pride. it's broken and that's good. he knew i could do without.

but there is a new glass in it's place. it's name is gentleness, humble.

LORD, please fill this glass with what it says and help me to not put more pride in it...

i need to apollogize to someone today... i want to be humble and only boast in Jesus.

sigh...

2004-12-01T07:43:00.000Z

when everything else faints away
i hold on to you
when everyone leaves me
you are still there

sometimes you need to break me down
to show me how strong you are
sometimes you need to take away
to show what i have in you

LORD, i know i am not alone. you surrounded me with people that love & care. but still - sometimes i can't help but feel alone...

do i need to be sorry, LORD? i am...

i surrender to you. i know age doesn't count in your kingdom.

candlelight

2004-11-29T23:51:00.000Z

Just sitting in my room with nothing lit but a candle - and it's actually bright enough to write something on paper and read it without difficulties (i wrote this on paper first...).

i can see why people picture Jesus sometimes as light of the world in form of a candle and not as a lightbulb. it's not the brightest source of light, but it is definately the most peaceful, calm, silent one. it's fragile, but effective...

Jesus didn't come into this world shouting everywhere who he is and what he is about to do. No!

he came as a humble king, bringing peace to troubled hearts, calmness in hectic, stressful lives - light into darkness. He ended up on the cross. his disciples thought his light is about to extinguish... but it didn't. it lit up again on easter morning - brighter than ever before!

just a single tiny candle makes a huge difference between dark & light.

Jesus wants to make a huge difference in our lives, in your life, in my life...

and He sends us out - to make a huge difference in other people's lives...

Thank you for your light, LORD!

Lord of the Rings

2004-11-26T23:46:00.000Z

who ever knew i never watched the Lord of the Rings - i have to dissapoint you... i've just seen the third one - so now i've seen them all and i no longer can say i haven't seen them.

i think i was kind of proud of not having seen them as there wasn't a lot of people around who've done so. now i'm not special anymore... (joking!! eveyone is special. so this includes you - and me :-) ...).

but it is an excellent movie (now i can finally agree with you. so there is something good about it...). one can learn so much about friendship. and fighting... :-) (don't!).

as good old Bruce would say, "it's gooood."

finito.

spotless mind

2004-11-22T10:42:00.000Z

saturday night we watched the movie "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind" at Karen's. it's an amzing film and the weird thing is i can't tell you why... just see for your self if you get the chance to watch it. and i don't get paid for saying this...

i just sat there and watched and watched and got a bit carried away with it.

half way through the film the door bell rang and i opened, but my mind was still in the film somehow. so i couldn't really get in the conversation with him... but at least i realized i should let him in... to go back to the film...

and then sunday night at church the movie was - "eternal sunshine...". it was a really good talk on it (thanks Jude!). about modernism amd postmodernism. in church life. in your life.

it pretty much got back to who are you and where is your stand.

made me think a lot.
and i still don't know exactly why i like this film so much... and i don't know if i have to know...

why is it that people always look for the reason in things? i don't. and you might have to accept it this time.

once again

2004-11-20T11:03:00.000Z

i don't want to speak empty words anymore
and can't sing hollow songs any longer
it's not what you deserve
you deserve the truth LORD
'cos you are the truth

once again i give you my broken heart
it's been on a long journey again
tried to run away
but didn't get far without you

so here i kneel before you once again
and can't go any further
you pick me up and welcome me
you welcome me once again
in your loving embrace

load of society on our shoulders

2004-11-19T09:50:00.000Z

ok. i intended to write this a while ago, but still... better now than never i guess.
i had a few thoughts about society this week. and other people joined me.

hm. i don't really know what to say, but i have to say something.
this society we all live in is pretty much screwed up, as you prabably all know somehow. but do we have to stop there?

for example if there is someone who really annoyes you, what do you do? shouting at them or ignoring them & trying to avoid them wouldn't help (but i guess that's what most people do, includung me sometimes). what we should do is talking to them in love. trying not to hurt them but telling them the truth. how else could they learn from the mistakes they might make?
how else could i learn if you don't tell me what's wrong?

then there is other things. for example talking behind other's back. why don't we go to that person we are talking about and tell them what we want to say?
why can't we just stand up and be real?

why can't we just say what we want to say?

i don't want to play hide and seek anymore...

and then i look at Jesus. what did He do?
did he always shut up when people asked him to? no.
did he always speak up when peole asked him to? no.
he only did what GOD wanted him to do. only spoke when GOD wanted him to speak.

can't we do the same? can't we be real to GOD?
and then - can't we be real to ourselves?
and then - can't we be real to our neighbour?

i don't understand this society. and i don't want to anymore...

am i too shy to stand up on my own?

are you too shy to stand up?

but if we don't... when will this society realize it's brokenness...?

as Jesus told us to be in the world, but not of the world, we need to be in this society, but not of it.

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."

John 14:27

technical genius

2004-11-18T01:38:00.000Z

i can't believe i'm still awake! i just scared myself so couldn't go to bed until i sorted it out...

so now i'll just tell you what happened & then i'll go.

first of all you have to know that sometimes i'm kind of gifted in dealing with technical/ electrical stuff. but normally i'm not...

well. tonight i was left behind in the living room with the remote control for the tv & the ntl box. now - the other thing i have to remind you of is that i only lived here for a month now. and never before have i had an ntl box anywhere...

so here i was. sitting on the sofa. i wanted to switch the channel... didn't work. so i clicked on "guide", which worked. but now i couldn't go back to the main menu. oh well. so i pushed a few buttons on the remote. some worked & showed a reaction, others didn't at all... i guess by doing so i got myself deeper into drouble. i switched the tv off (the only thing that worked by now) & on again. no changes though. repeated action. & again...
hopeless.
now i felt really guilty, 'cos of course it's not mine...

so the only thing left to do was... praying!!!

so i did.

all in all i'd been sitting here for about 40 min now (i moved on the floor - desperation. made me get closer to the tv as well). nothing changed. even the "help" button didn't work. (it kind of brought me somewhere else. but then i was completely stuck...)

i turned the ntl box round to have a look at the plugs & stuff back there. i thought about pulling one of them out, but there was too many. so i didn't...

after a while turning it round the other way i felt like pulling a certain one out - fortunately it was the power plug. so i put it back in again...

& after another 10 min waiting - it worked!!! Thank you Jesus!!!

so i guess the thing i learned is that i don't really need to watch tv late at night when noone is around to help... :-)

and even if there is. i think i should watch less tv again... & do more work instead. or spend time with GOD (now that's the better option...).

anyway. good night now. i'll sleep well after sorting this one out :-)

tears

2004-11-15T23:18:00.000Z

tears -
what are they?
what do they mean?

does it hurt?
am i afraid?
am i sad or lonely?

are they from laughing too much?

is it the wind?
or the cold?

is it fear?
am i just tired?

they say
"i love you
and i never want to let go
off you"

'cos you are my friend
and i love you
and don't want to let go off you

simply this

tears -
because words cannot express

you wouldn't understand...

last weekend (boring title - i know. sorry)

2004-11-15T22:55:00.000Z

i had an amazing weekend guys.

saturday night there were about 30 girls from church (some of the mums from CHIMPS - our mums & todds, & a few others like me...) going out for a chinese meal. it was really good - the food, the chats, the music, the atmosphere...

as we were dancing on i just sat down & observed. it was lovely to see those girls enjoying themselves. GOD saw them too - and He smiled
:-)

the service at church on sunday evening was amazing. we still do movies at mary's - sermons on different movies. last nights was "bruce almighty". thinking about "where is GOD when life is tough?" - does GOD care? He does. and He wants us to be real. it's good we can be real with Him because He knows us anyway & we can't pretend before Him.
next point was "GOD yearns to hear our prayers." we only need to start talking to Him and as soon as we do we are in the middle of GOD's courts - speaking to the king of kings! amazing this is! tell Him anything (be real - remember?) - He'll listen.
and then last point: do you trust GOD that he can manage your life? remeber: He managed to create the whole universe & ran it for thousands of years already!
"you want to see a miracle - be the miracle"

and now i just got back from Cambridge - Kate's commisioning. it was amazing to see them again. & the service was really good as well. so many people came. and then there was a buffet - good food :-) and a good time to talk with them.
it's a huge hospital where she is working. perhaps i can have a closer look one day...

so much for now.

mysteries beyond generations & nations

2004-11-12T19:40:00.000Z

she's always been around me
but i never realized
the deep love she had for me
how she longed to be with me

now i'm gone and she's alone
but her love's still there for me
always waiting for my return
she's waiting 'til i come home

i still get her letters of love
she forces her hand
to write the words from her heart
in her weakness they sound so strong

it is now i realize
the pain she's been through the past
but her love grew deeper still
reached b'yond the waters - found me

i know i cannot go back
need to go on the road
i once started to take
want to go 'til my heart finds peace

she needs to know of my love
but i cannot return home
i wish she would understand
the way some things work

love can grow over distance
and i don't know how
even though we can't see us
someone will watch over us

money...

2004-11-11T15:01:00.000Z

just a thought from me about money management & GOD's provision in it.

this morning i kind of got annoyed about myself & about the way this world works... so often it seems that when you have no money you have nothing - no fun, no social life, no time ('cos you walk pretty much everywhere)... nothing.

but i know it's not true & GOD had to remind me about it. i've got this daily bible verse book, which i rarely read. but this morning GOD told me to read it & i think you'd quite like to hear it as well...

it said "See, I am the LORD, the God of all flesh; is anything too hard for me?" (Jeremiah 32:27)
NO!!!

i'm glad GOD takes care of us - you & me & everyone - better than we could ever imagine...
trust in Him! :-)

for my german friends :-)

2004-11-09T13:15:00.000Z

hallo ihr.
ich hoffe euch geht's ganz gut. ich hab grad rausgefunden was ich aendern muss um anonyme kommentare zu erlauben. das hab ich dann natuerlich gleich eingestellt.
also theoretisch koennt ihr jetzt alle euren senf dazu geben, unabhaengig davon ob ihr einen blog habt oder nicht.

theoretisch hab ich jetzt keine zeit zu schreiben, weil ich anfange auf station zu arbeiten. aber praktisch hat noch keiner in meinem kurs den polizei check zurueck gekriegt, deshalb kann noch niemand anfangen. das gute an der sache ist:
a) ich hatte gestern frueh eine geniale zeit mit GOTT... (hoffe ihr habt den blog von gestern verstanden... da steht's drin)
b) ich hab mehr zeit mich mit den englischen begriffen fuer knochen und organe etc. bekanntzumachen.

und ich glaube es ist zeit in die buecherei zu gehen und mir paar schlaue buecher anzugucken...

GOTTES FETTEN SEGEN euch allen!

ps.(sorry dass ich alles klein schreibe. ich hab's nicht verlernt. bin nur'n bissl faul... geht schneller... blablabla...)

Revive!

2004-11-08T22:00:00.000Z

i could complain now for the time i have writing this blog, because i'm supposed to be on placement in hospital from today on, but i won't. noone in my course has got their CRB check back so noone can start...

i'm actually quite glad for the time i had this morning with GOD. i think it's time to show face (or should i say faith?) again.

i had a dream last night and the only thing i remember is standing in front of a class and telling kids about Central Asia, but i've never been there.
and while i was talking to them i could feel the desire to go there growing more and more inside of me. the kids where asking questions i couldn't really answer because i haven't been there yet. so just before i woke up i knew - i want to go there!

now the other thing i remember is that before i fell asleep last night i asked GOD to revive the fire for mission in me again. Ulrike talked and prayed at church yesterday morning - about mission/ missionaries and GOD called me back to deal with it.

and then i had this dream...

when people ask me "so, did you always want to be a nurse?" i usually say yes, but thinking about it - it's not quite true. i didn't.
i always wanted to be a missionary. at least since i was 11, which is almost always...
then coming to england and getting the opportunity to go on a nursing course made it quite obvious. it's a good way of starting to be a missionary i guess. and many people say the same. and living in Luton - a very international town - made it even more obvious. so now - here i am. one step closer to getting out...

i thank you, LORD, for reviving the fire you put in me again!
i want to go wherever you send me!

"Our hearts are longing for the glory of the LORD
to be made known in all the earth
LORD, let your kingdom come. LORD, let your will be done
yours is the greatest name of all

we want to see the nations bow. we want to hear the rising sound
of the worship you deserve
we want this passion to abound. a burden for your great renown
yours is the greatest name of all"

Mark Altrogge

Fly

2004-11-08T05:51:00.000Z

like a bird in a cage
trapped behind bars
want to change things
just don't know how

open the door
and let me out
let me free
let me fly
free

want to close my eyes
and look away
dream of a world
where things will change

when will you realize
you can't live this way
wake up and go
go for the good

but i can't tell you
i'm still in my cage
you'll have to find out
your own way to go

sometimes it's hard to tell someone that life is more than a game. but society forbids you to tell them somehow... why? noone knows. they'll have to find out themselves. i can only pray for them and hope they'll find the right way to go, the right words to say, they right road to take.

2004-11-01T22:21:00.000Z

wow! i had an amazing weekend. GOD is so good! saturday night Chris & i stayed at a beautiful place & we worshipped GOD together - with our lips, voices & fingers...

do you know how good it feels to literally shout out all your frustration? but not to a brick wall, or a person that might end up thinking you are even more crazy than they ever thought... no. i mean to shout out to Jesus! not only shout out your frustration, but shout "I LOVE JESUS!!!". it makes satan tremble in fear... because he is a looser. & he knows it. & we know it. & that's why we shouted & screamed...
yep. that's what we did. and it felt awesome...

later we had an even greater adventure...

just to give you a bit of a flavour:

imagine this...

in the dark.
no spark of light...
only one way to go...
you feel with your fingers
cos that's the only eyes you've got in the dark...
go and go

then you see light braking through
new hope coming up
you move towards the light
come to a door
the only way out of this darkness

but it is locked...
you need help
it opens...

freedom!

feel it
smell it
see it
hear it
taste it

you see the moon for a glimpse of time
feel the stones & wood that's been there for a long time
close to history...

but even closer to Jesus!

a place where you can leave everything behind
just you & Him
a song on your heart

GOD is faithful!

it sounds like a poem... it felt like one, too. it was soo good to be there. to experience the world from a different point of view...

and yesterday morning we had communion at church. just as i was walking up towards the altar the band started to play "How deep the Father's love for us..." it's a beautiful song. everytime i sing it i can feel GOD's amazing love for us... the price he was willing to pay... for me...
i was moved to tears by facing GOD at his table... eating & drinking what was supposed to be mine...

Thank you Jesus for your love for me! i don't understand, but i know it's true. it's more than just a feeling. it's truth.

magic, miracle or mystery

2004-10-30T00:15:00.000+01:00

did you ever walk through town & tried to smile at people? it's amazing.

some people stare at you and think you are crazy.
some people look down because they don't trust anymore in anyone.

but then there are some people who smile back to you.
perhaps because they finally found someone who gives what they've been looking for & couldn't find in any shop.
perhaps because they are happy & found someone to share their happiness with.
perhaps because they are sad & need someone who cheers them up.
perhaps just because they do...

is it magic? is it a miracle? or a mystery?

did you ever try?
are you scared?

people say it's dangerous. you can't trust anyone anymore.
strangers might get the wrong impression.
you put yourself at risk.

true.
but there is more. those who need a smile to be cheered up, to share their happiness or just because they need one -
where else can they get it if we don't give it?

risk it. put a smile in others.
don't expect anything back. but be happy if you get something - a smile - back.

change the world with a smile :-)

it's not magic. perhaps it is a miracle...

STOP!

2004-10-25T07:38:00.000+01:00

GOD's been showing me some stuff over this weekend. well, it wasn't just some stuff. i think it was something quite serious. He warned me. and not only once...

friday night i was talking with a very good friend from back home. just as we were about to finish & hang up (the phone) he said, "Mareike, don't lose yourself."
and then he explained.he asked me to watch where i'm going. what i'm taking on. and to keep in mind what i can manage.

and tonight during the brake in the service Simon talked to me. he asked me about the course & how things are going. and then he suddenly said, "Mareike, be careful. don't take on too much."

and then, as i was talking to people later on this evening the same theme came up again & again.
well - sometimes GOD speaks very clear! so now i have to figure out how to do it. i love doing stuff for/ with people and i love doing stuff for/ with GOD. & then there is uni where i have to admit i don't love it quite as much (yet!). but it's getting there. and soon i will be on the wards & then i'm back to the doing things for/ with people :-)
so i just need to find a balance.
GOD warned me. so now He won't just leave me there, but He will help me through & give me wisdom. thank you, Father!

Jesussick?

2004-10-24T08:13:00.000+01:00

have you ever been homesick? what is it like? i don't think i've ever been... i only know i'm missing something. but i don't think it's homesickness. at least not home home.

thinking about it - i guess i'm Jesussick if you know what i mean. i guess it's the same like homesickness (even though i'm only guessing...) just that you don't miss home, but Jesus.

we had a girlie night last night @ Karen's house. after the first movie we had a break & i think it was Chris who opened the back door to let fresh air in the room. so i stood by the open door & it was amazing.
just looking outside... beautiful sky, even though it was rainig, or perhaps just because it was raining... & breathing fresh air. clean air! my eyes got watery (as they sometimes do...). i tried to hold back my tears, but couldn't. it took me so long to realize the jesussickness-thing...
& the rain felt like Jesus was crying with me... or perhaps for me 'cos he missed me even more than i missed him. He probably was (& is) Mareikesick (& he is longing for you in the same way. whatever your name is...). it felt so good. like coming home & running in the arms of Jesus!
i held my hand out in the rain... beautiful!

and to all this i had an amazing friend next to me. someone who understands me (most of the time... often i don't understand myself so why should i expect others to understand me always. she does a lot...). thank you! you are very special to me :-)

so it turned out to be an excellent evening. with all the other girls as well. & now i own my first ever ring... a cinderella ring. there's 5 of us girls who've got one - as a sign of our friendship. i think i might have to get used to it... we gonna wear it @ church tomorrow :-)

Friends

2004-10-23T23:36:00.000+01:00

Father, how much can i love my friends
so it doesn't hurt every time they let go?

or is it supposed to hurt
so i remember how much it hurts you
every time i let go?

just don't know

2004-10-22T12:34:00.000+01:00

do you know the feeling when you are surrounded by people and you actually know most of them quite well, but you don't feel part of them this time, even though they are your friends? you just sit there & they ask you "how are you?" & you just say "i'm fine" ..., but then...
i don't know. i don't know how i am or what's the matter with me...& it makes me feel kind of sad... kind of lonely... 'cos i'm not in the mood of talking at all...

isn't silence words, too? words that only your very best friends can understand?... and all you need is a great big hug.. nothing else... no conversation... only someone right next to you

& He understands. it's Jesus i need & Jesus i run to...

need someone to know me
need someone to love me
need someone to hold me
but i won't say a thing

i will just live my life
and run the race
i will win the price
score the goal for you

(you say) don't loose yourself
hold on to what you know

thank you Jesus that you are the one i can always run to & you are the one who always understands. i don't have to explain a thing... i can't... 'cos i don't know how...
only YOU! i love you, LORD!!! and i wanna live this life for you!

Christians awake!

2004-10-21T23:22:00.000+01:00

today's my day off. and i dedicated this day to GOD so i didn't make any plans. i woke up about 7:45 & stayed in bed till about 9:15. couldn't stay any longer 'cos the sun is shining! Yea!

i spend a lot of time thinking & praying & reading. the last bit i read was from a prayer booklet for the Muslim world. & GOD brought something to my mind that i have to tell you. perhaps you know it, then be reminded:
many people in the non-western world see the west as a christian culture. now you might say that's what we are. you might be right that most of our laws are influenced by christianity, but if you look at the morals of our society we are far away from being christian! now if those people look at the west guess what they see & guess what impression of christianity they get! it's so sad. we have to stand up & do something about it. WE have to make a difference! have to show & live the truth many people don't see. transform this society. where we are now is not were GOD wants us to be! wake up, brothers & sisters! live the life of love GOD told us to live & fight with the weapons we have: love!

ok - nochmal auf deutsch, weil es so wichtig ist:
viele menschen in asien oder afrika sehen unsere westliche kultur als christlich. rate mal was fuer ein bild das wirft... genau! das falsche! unsere kultur ist keineswegs christlich, auch wenn die geschichte vielleicht davon gepraegt ist. heute ist das gegenteil der fall. deshalb muessen wir einen unterschied machen & so leben wie Jesus es uns vorgelebt hat! wir muessen der welt ein vorbild werden. steht auf und kaempft mit den waffen der liebe & des friedens!
AUFWECKEN!!!

simply wet.

2004-10-20T19:06:00.000+01:00

yep. that's what i am... wet!
got up @ 6:15 this morning (which is quite early for a student in england, but fairly normal or almost late for my little brother in germany :-) ...) to walk to the hospital. people say i'm crazy to walk there (it takes about 90 min), but i quite enjoy it. i like walking 'cos it gives me time with GOD & it's not this bad for your health.
however. after 5 min walk it started raining - a bit more than the usual english drizzle but not too bad. i asked GOD to stop the rain. it didn't. i know that it is more than easy for GOD to stop a bit of rain, but he had a purpose in it. he wanted time with me...
than i did a bit of a silly thing: "GOD, if the rain doesn't stop then at least don't let my books (in my backpack) get wet." now can you imagine Jesus with his disciples in the sinking boat praying "Father, if the storm doesn't stop then at least don't let this boat sink..." the thought made me smile :-) & after a while i was quite happy in the rain & started singing. & it was a lot easier than moaning about it. GOD had to remind me a few more times: "hey kid. don't look on the rain. look to me!"
there's nothing better than walking with Jesus - in rain or in sunshine.

& then finally at the hospital i got my CRB check for the nursing course done. i was the last one in our course, but better late than never :-)

Psalm 2357

2004-10-18T07:27:00.000+01:00

LORD, my soul is crying for rest!
i am exhausted, don't want to show it. would rather hide...
i know i need time out, need to run in your arms, need to spend time with just you, my GOD. we need to talk GOD.
you are ready to listen, but am i ready to stop? am i ready to be silent & wait for you, LORD? am i patient enough?
Oh LORD, i'm dying if i keep going. help me. stop me. slow me down!

i want to praise you as i used to. want to trust you like a child. i want to love you with the first love i had - want to be full of fire again for you. want to give everything - my life - to you, 'cos you gave yours.

i praise you, oh my GOD, my saviour, and i love you - 'cos you loved me first.

Hallelujah!